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Elfy’s Bizarre Newsweek

2.5 Metre Carpet Python Swallows Pet Dog

A Lismore resident received a nasty shock Thursday morning when she went to let her dog off the chain in its kennel, only to find a 2.5 metre Carpet python had replaced it. The python had swallowed the Maltese-Chihuahua cross, encountering a big issue when it became tethered to the kennel by the chain. WIRES volunteers freed the snake (estimated to be 50 years old) by severing the chain but became concerned when the animal failed to regurgitate it and were forced to surgically intervene. The owner of the dog apparently admitted fault for not considering the possibility of a snake attack and believed it was a dreadful mistake on her behalf. On a cheerful note, WIRES stated that the small dog was enough to sustain the python for at least a month – the owner probably took great comfort in that fact.

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Man Finds Very, Very Expensive Egg

I fucking love Antiques Roadshow. Partly because once in a while some alabaster toff will present an heirloom that they believe to be worth enough to buy Spain, only to be informed it might buy the week’s coffee but mostly because sometimes some poor sucker comes in with some garage-sale bullshit and it transpires that it’s worth ALL OF THE MONEY. This story is really satisfying in precisely that way. A scrap metal dealer came across a decorative golden egg at a sale that he threw a hefty $13000 with the quiet suspicion that it was actually worth a lot more. It totally was. The Faberge egg–one of the few originals remaining that was actually owned by Tsar Alexander the III of pre-revolution Russia– is, in fact, worth a whopping $33 million.

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Chinese Students Secretly Drugged by Teachers

China has been forced to introducing blanket drug-testing for kindergarten students after it became apparent that some teachers were secretly slipping their students prescription drugs to prevent sickness. It has been confirmed so far that two kindergartens have drugged their students with moroxydine hydrochloride– an anti-viral drug that has never been fully researched–and is capable of producing an onslaught of nasty side effects. As a result, more than 500 children have reported headaches, night sweats and muscle tremors. The principals of these schools have both now been detained following mass outrage from parent groups. Yes, I know what you’re all thinking, it’s such a horrible and misguided attempt to create better classes of students– they really should have tried using amphetamines instead.

 

Russian Fundamentalists Sue United States for the Return of Alaska in Light of Gay Marriage Rights Movement

Russian fundamentalist group, Pchyolki, have demanded the return of Alaska to Russia in retaliation to President Obama’s stance of sympathy to gay marriage rights. The ultraconservative religious group–the same that recommended spitting in Pussy Riot’s faces and destroying their recording equipment with holy water–filed the lawsuit against the U.S in January. Pchyolki cited discrepancies in the 1867 deal that handed Alaska to the United States, claiming that the trade was illegitimate because the clause stipulated the payment to Russia be made in gold coins and it was actually deposited in the form of a check. So, you know, they’ve clearly got a legitimate case in SUING AMERICA. I’ll go ahead and direct the same message to the Pchyolki that I have said to myself at the beginning of every diet I’ve ever attempted: strap in and prepare for failure.

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Uganda’s First Lady Displays Impeccable Logic Concerning Homosexuality

Janet Museveni has made a bizarre statement while congratulating Bishops belonging to the Church of Uganda, referring the impossibility of human homosexuality when she has never seen it displayed in cows. Museveni asked “If cows did not practice homosexuality, how can we the human beings start arguing over homosexuality?” Flawless logic. In fact, the argument is unsound from the ground up–it turns out gay boffing has been observed in cows as much as it has been in any other mammal.

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Total List of Banned Words from the Mongolian Internet Released

A list of 774 words has been released this week as the sum total of all the words banned from the Mongolian Internet. It is fucking excellent. The list includes such brilliance as “asshat”, “cockwaffle”, “cuntrag” and “cumtart”. It is essentially a long compilation of swearwords that even the most creative of uncouth individuals couldn’t invent. At the end of the day, the extent of their language censorship is actually quite sad–if Australia were to enforce the same barriers, my articles would look approximately look like the following:

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