BY MORRIS TWIMPE
Now, you may think that getting banned from The United States of America is as easy as mentioning “terrorism”, “bomb”, or “falafel” in a Facebook post. It certainly can be.
But there are plenty of ways to ban yourself from being allowed to enter the seat of the free world that don’t involve social media.
One way to do it is to try to smuggle four and a half tabs of acid across the Mexican/American border, which happens to be the most heavily controlled border on the face of the planet. That’s what I did, it certainly did the trick.
If you’re going to do it though, you have to make sure you remember to follow these steps and conduct yourself in accordance with the procedure.
Remember to forget/not realise that your online visa waiver application doesn’t apply to land travel, and so you have to go into the little pillbox thing with all the border police and have them ask you how your day has been.
Make sure that you dress like a buffoonish drug dealer, hippy, or a close as you can to Hunter S Thompson as you can possibly muster. Arousing suspicion is the goal here.
Once they are suspicious, make sure to make them MORE suspicious, by stammering, sweating, and looking worriedly over your shoulder again and again. (note: it helps of your bus is leaving without you, and you’re coming down from a Mexican bender).
Keep the LSD in your passport, if they don’t see it when you hand the passport over, remember to take it out of your passport and put it in your bag.
This way they will be sure to find it if they search you.
Get searched. Maintain your smug composure as they yell at you, tell you you’re going to prison, get you to squat and cough and demand you tell them the truth about the heroin that you’ve got stored in your stomach.
After they search your bag and find your elicit substance, they will demand you tell them what it is. At this point you must ask them what your rights are. If they respond “Well son, right now, just about none”, then you know you’re on the right track.
Proceed to get furious as you sit there, handcuffed to a metal chair for 10 hours while they process you. Respond to questions with vitriol and groan frequently. This way they will be less likely to not ban you.
Get fined USD$500 and sent off back across to Mexico.
Realise that your passport is missing and you’ve got no money and cry.
CONGRATULATIONS! Under US border law, you are now considered permanently inadmissible without contest! As a drug trafficker, you cannot apply for a waiver of inadmissibility, similar to a terrorist. If you are a rapist though, remember to commit the crime at least twice, as you may be deemed admissible at some point if you have only raped or killed once.
In case you don’t want to follow this guide to being permanently banned from the USA, here are some other helpful tips to make sure that you will never be allowed in:
Insist upon building Trump’s wall out of bricks of cocaine.
Join ISIS and announce a jihad on infidels and Burger King via Youtube, whilst still wearing your Burger King name tag.
Leak president Obama’s porn search history on wikileaks.
Become a communist and gay-marry Edward Snowden.
Be a turban.