Sorry, But Benedict Cumberbatch is Racist.


I used to love you, Benedict Cumberbatch. For so many years your poster hung on my bedroom wall.

Your cold, unblinking gaze was a constant comfort in my life. Oh Benedict, how I dreamed that we could be together; I would be your Watson, limping into the crime scene behind you, ready to ask all the stupid questions so you could explain what was going on to the audience.

When I watched you on TV or in the cinema, I knew deep down that behind your rolling eyes and your serenely aristocratic sneer; you cared for me, Benedict. I could see all those feelings that you had, just for me, even from the curl of your lip as you broke the fourth wall with your adorable little dead-eyed half-smile.

When I saw the trailer for the new Zoolander film, my world  – our world came crashing down.

Everything changed when I found out that you were a racist.

You were playing a supermodel in the film, by the name of All.

When Derek Zoolander asked if you were a Male Model or a Female Model “All is all” you replied, serenely and androgynously.

I read somewhere that you were playing a Trans model, and how cruelly you typecast Trans people, Benedict. They’re a proud and noble race, worthy of our respect.

You can’t imagine horror I felt when you giggled coyly as Owen Wilson asked if you had a hotdog or a bun, Benedict.

How wrong of you to play into the classic racial stereotypes of trans people, Benedict.

To say that they all have straight black hair and are giggly, is to me a disgusting supposition.

Is this 2015, or have we lurched back in time to the 1920s?  It was perfectly acceptable then for that appalling Al Jolson to black up his face to play a Jewish character in ‘The Jazz Singer’  – how far have we come?

I was so disgusted that I closed the Youtube link before I had finished watching the clip.

I scrolled through Tumblr feverishly and signed the petition to boycott the film without even reading it, so hot burned the fire of my righteous outrage.

To think that the high comedies of Messrs. Stiller & Wilson could be transformed from insightful social commentary into an ugly mess of vulgar stereotyping shakes me to the very core.

Not only have I decided to boycott this awful film, but I have given up on cinema altogether, and popcorn as well. I have sworn to slap anyone who even mentions either of them in my company. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

It may surprise you to learn that Transos are a clean and industrious people, with many hairstyles. They are known the world over for building the most amazing castles, hydroelectric dams.

Just look at your iPod, Benedict, the fruits of their labour are everywhere. Where do you think trans music came from?  They even gave us vampires. Have you even heard of Dracula, Benedict?

Do yourself a favour, Benedict darling. Book yourself a ticket to Transylvania. Open your mind, and be sure to check your privilege at the gate before you board the plane.

Goodbye forever,

Casey Bintang Coon