Astrology-horoscope2

This Week’s Horoscopes

BY SAMUEL HENNING

Aries
Love is in the air for you today, and this month in general. You’re headstrong and Free, but you also enjoy being told what to do (a little bit) Venus is in the 8th House this week, so avoid egg-salad sandwiches and don’t catch the 370, or something terrible will happen.

Taurus

There is an opportunity that will arise for you in the coming week or months
In work, love or life in general. Maybe a dying millionaire will give you their fortune in exchange for a glass of water. Perhaps a talking fish will give you the ability to talk to fish. The future is hazy, gentle traveller. Just don’t throw it all away by getting on the 370.

Gemini

Things are tough right now, you’re still reeling from the loss of Aunt Susan.
No-one could have seen that coming. Don’t beat yourself up. But keep your chin up; Saturn is in the house and you’ve got an airtight alibi, ninety grand and her summer place in the Whitsundays. Whatever happens, you’re doing alright, kid.

Cancer

You want the best in life, as a Cancer you know what you want, and you know how to get it, but sometimes you need some help. Don’t be afraid to open up to the advice of others; may their wise words guide you on your path.  Listen to me; don’t catch the 370.

Leo

Things will be pretty strange for you, with Neptune playing through until the quarter finals, there are hints of danger and romance in your future. It hasn’t been written yet, so be sure to live life to the fullest and be sure to walk, drive or ride a bike if you’re travelling between Leichhardt and Coogee.

Virgo

Be mindful of your thoughts for they will be instrumental in the decisions you make today. Everything will be fine as long as you open your heart and close your mind to doubt; your destiny awaits.  Avoid the 370.

Libra

When the 370 is late, don’t worry (this happens a lot when Uranus is 17th moon cycle). Don’t get on it though, take a walk and smell the roses. Your destiny awaits, and you need the exercise.

Scorpio

It’s all just a bit hard at the moment, hey? Pluto’s in the house of Horus for the next seven days, and I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but Astrologically speaking, it’s the best time of the year to quit your job and go on a massive bender. Burn your bills, torch your car, burn your house down. Kick off your shoes, cast off your clothes, give away your possessions and walk into the sea, as naked as the day you were born. Namaste.

Sagitarius

Love and/or change is possibly in the air, but more importantly: Remember that time you saw Jenny from H.R. at the markets, but you didn’t go and say hi? She totally saw you there, and she’s really awkwardly offended by it (I know right?) Things will be strained until Saturn clunkily shifts back into neutral or you ask about her kids or that novel she says she’s writing.

Capricorn

When Venus is in the third quarter, this time of the year is all about the big decisions; let me give you the condensed version. Love is coming your way, big changes are coming too and change can be a good thing.  You left your spare keys in the top pocket of that blue-ish shirt that you only wear occasionally. It’s in the washing basket. Don’t catch the 370.

Aquarius

With Jupiter on the rebound, change is in the air for you. Avoid public transport and strangers with pencil moustaches and restless eyes. If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. Why not move to Manhattan and launch a range of premixed diet cocktails?

Pisces

Catch the 370. You know what you did, Andrew. It’s all you deserve.

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