Swingers

From The Archives: Swingers Parties

Mum, please don’t read this.

…In fact, it would be great if everybody I’m related to, associated with or have any kind of business or personal relationship with would stop reading right now. There are only so many ways you can describe attending an orgy and sleeping with several strangers in the space of a couple of hours without coming off as a bit of a seedy old man who probably needs to get an STD check.

 I’ve done some depraved, humiliating, awkward things in the name of research for Sneaky, and at some stage my folks are going to get hold of this here publication, at which point I’ll be written out of the will. My grandmother will probably want to see what her favourite grandson has been up to (yeah, take that siblings and cousins!) and will pray for my soul.

I went to a swingers party. My date was one of my mum’s best friends. She used to babysit me.

I should never have mentioned the idea, because once the staff at Sneaky got a hold of it there was no turning back. I’d have to go, morals be damned.

It takes balls to stick your thing in a stranger’s thing in front of a whole bunch of other strangers combining their things. Balls, and a hard dick that lasts the required distance. It was decided I would need some pharmacological assistance from our friends at Pfizer.

That was the first of many awkward scenes. I would have to make some pathetic excuse in order to obtain the prescription. Flaccidity would not be believable – I’m a relatively fit 30 year old. Premature ejaculation would have to be the cover story.

So I’ve got this problem, doc.

Cue the weighty silence and sceptical stare of a doctor who’s expecting me to tell him I’ve fallen on a cucumber or something.

I’m having trouble, you know, lasting the distance in bed.

It’s always better to sprinkle your lies with as much truth as possible, so I continued:

Look, I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend and I’m looking to get myself back in the game but I’m just not that confident in bed. I’ve been suffering from a bit of…

Remember, this is all true…

I wouldn’t call it premature ejaculation, but what happens is, after about 15 minutes or so I begin to come and I hold it back, trying not to explode. Usually I succeed, but after that I go a bit soft for a while. It takes around half an hour to get it back. Any chance of er… some help?

After the visit to the doctor the next mission involved finding a date for the evening. Single men aren’t allowed at my chosen Swinger’s Club, only couples (and single women). Surprisingly, this was the easiest part of all. I’d mentioned to a friend of mine, Sophie, that I was interested in getting myself in the most compromising positions possible and writing about them. She volunteered pretty damn quick to come along and check it out.

Actually, Sophie is one of my mother’s closest friends. They’re great mates and she comes over for dinner on a weekly basis. But she’s also one of those adventurous inquisitive types, and she’s bloody good fun. Throw in the fact that she used to be my babysitter and you’ve got yourself a perfect storm of awkward. There was no way my date could be anyone else.

The Couples Club in Surry Hills is just around the corner from the Sneaky office, and from the pics on their website they seemed to be the least seedy of Sydney’s swingers clubs. So Sophie and I met about an hour before opening time and got some drinks into our bellies. We’d need a fair bit of liquored up courage. After a bottle and a half of cheap-ass wine we decided it was time to stop yapping away and get to business.

We got to the entrance, walked up the flight of red carpeted stairs and were greeted by a beautiful creature in a corset and murderous heels. She’d obviously gotten the whiff of a couple of first timers, so she ran us through the system.

Here’s your key, that’s for your locker and there’s a 50 dollar deposit for that. Upstairs there’s the bar area – you can sit there and chill, get to know a few of the other couples and relax. Downstairs there’s the spa, and if you have a look around you’ll find a few rooms. There are some private rooms but most of them are open to group activity – it’s a lot more fun if you play around those areas. And don’t worry guys, you’ll be fine!

We had a quick look around the play areas and made a direct fucking beeline to the bar. More drinks would be required. Immediately.

Sophie was accosted pretty quickly by Janette, a woman of about 40 who was pretty damn excited to be there. We joined Janette and her husband at a corner table. They were your typical horny housewife and repressed WASPy bloke. Shit, he even used to be a copper. Sophie and Janette  seemed to have plenty of mutual attraction – in fact, Janette was pretty sexy for a woman her age. But Sophie didn’t want Janette’s husband within 100 miles of her bits, so after half an hour of chat that revolved around how nervous and awkward we all felt, Sophie and I decided talk to some other folks. Janette and her hubby told us they’d meet us in the spa.

We were feeling suitably plastered by now, and ended up crapping on about something to a roided up muscle man and his clearly a stripper or perhaps even a hooker partner. We weren’t really that keen on them and she had a bit of a fuck off vibe, so we moved on. By now the upstairs lounge area was getting pretty empty – people had clearly started moving downstairs to get in on some action. It was time to join them.

We went downstairs to our locker, and quickly realised we’d made an error in our planning. Something important that needed to be discussed had not even been mentioned. Were Sophie and I willing to participate in some action together? We’d never even had anything close to sexual tension. I mean – damn – she’s my mum’s bestie, remember? As we were getting undressed (downstairs is towel or sarong only) we quickly decided that yes, we’d have to be willing to hook up. So we did. I just pushed her against the wall and we started some kissing and heavy, heavy groping.

Groping is such a fucking terrible word. Can we please replace it with something nicer?

With that little bit of awkward out of the way, we walked out of the locker room and were immediately confronted by a swarm of bodies in the spa. Janette and her hubby were there, as well as a cute hippy couple, an older but sorta still good looking woman and a drop dead gorgeous Japanese girl and her boyfriend (I’m just gonna give her a name now, because it’s annoying having to type “Japanese girl” every time, so I’m going to call her Marie Antoinette). Everyone was touching everyone else.

By this moment, I was already well drunk and had just pashed my mum’s best friend. The logical next step was clearly to get into a spa with a bunch of naked strangers.

Sophie and I started going for each other again, mainly to get in the mood and get comfortable, but Janette went pretty quickly for Sophie and was going down on her in the blink of an eye. I started kissing Marie Antoinette while she gave her boyfriend a hand job.

The acrobatics continued for maybe half an hour. My memory starts to get a little hazy around here, but I can report that during our time in the spa I had sex with Sophie and then Marie Antoinette and then did Janette from behind while she went down on Sophie, but only after Janette’s husband had politely invited me to.

After a while Sophie and I decided we’d take a walk around the rest of the classy establishment and see what else was going down. We immediately and inadvertently walked straight into one of the big orgy rooms.

The scene made the spa look like a daycare centre. The beautiful Marie Antoinette (she must have moved on from the spa before us) was lying down giving her boyfriend a blowjob while another girl rubbed her breasts. A group of about three or four were doing something I couldn’t really make out – it was just a mashup of bodies – on the far side of the area.

Before I knew what was what, Marie Antoinette had her hands on my head, pushing me down in a blatant attempt to get me to perform cunnilingus. I obliged.

After a while she clearly wanted something a bit harder and more phallic, so I obliged again. While she was still performing oral sex on her boyfriend and getting rubbed and kissed on the breasts by another girl, we had sex for about 15 minutes. I gotta say, it was actually pretty amazing. Firstly, she was absolutely gorgeous. Secondly, she was really rather good at this. Much better than me, the first timer. She made all the right sounds and movements and was clearly really into it. She stopped concentrating on her boyfriend’s dick and we kinda sorta made love for a little while, looking into each others eyes and giving each other little bites and all that stuff. Wow…

By this time Sophie had again been accosted by Janette and her hubby. They’d joined in the mash of bodies, and from the sound of it were having a pretty damn good time. I would look over occasionally, however, and notice that while Sophie was clearly into the action she was getting from Janette, she was struggling to keep hubby at bay.

I decided to take a breather. I got up and straight away noticed a couple on a sling type device. A quite sexy blonde girl, maybe around 25, was getting some head from her boyfriend and she immediately grabbed my hand.

There I stood, holding hands tightly with her, while she had a pretty fucking amazing orgasm. Yew!

I lay down, surrounded by people in all types of formations, and up came a tall blonde woman and her fella. She faced my way, leaned over a bit and he started at it from behind. She almost immediately started giving me an absolutely friggin’ stunning piece of head. Absolutely first bloody class stuff. This went on for a while before she reversed positions and we had sex. I’m not sure if she was giving her boyfriend (or husband, or mere acquaintance – I didn’t even know their names – maybe they didn’t even arrive together, who knows?) fellatio… I couldn’t really see. But let’s just assume that she was.

Things started to get a bit wilder, if that was even possible. The groaning and laughing went up a couple of decibels and I had a look around for Sophie. She was still enjoying her time with Janette and trying to fend off hubby.

I found myself speaking to an older but rather good looking couple. The man had a proposition for me:

Would you like to double penetrate my beloved?

No punctuation mark has yet been invented to accurately represent the surprise I felt at finding myself in a situation in which such a question would sound reasonable.

But it did. And we did.

The three (two? four?) bottles of wine were really starting to kick in, so after the aforementioned unmentionable act I decided it was time to finish up. I went back to the orgy room to look for Sophie. It was a bad move for someone wanting to get out of the place because there right in front of me were two beautiful couples going full swing. One of the girls – a beautiful blonde – motioned me over and her boyfriend gave me a short interrogation.

Where’s your girl?

Ummm… (I scanned the room and found Sophie still in a mashup of bodies, all of whom were looking mightily happy) …she’s over there.

Okay then, you can join in.

To me this seemed like an unusually small amount of due diligence for choosing a sex partner, but this was an unusual night. I spent about 10 minutes having sex with the blonde – she was great fun, actually, laughing in between giving and getting, singing along with Roxanne by The Police.

But I was exhausted. Sophie had disappeared and I eventually found her in the change rooms putting her clothes back on. She was looking pretty fucking happy with herself, and I’d say I was too. We’d both gotten out of our first time at an orgy, ticking a box it seemed we’d both wanted to tick.

The Japanese couple (Marie Antoinette and her fella) came up and made a formal introduction, we laughed about the night and Sophie and I decided to go and get a burger. I’d eaten a tonne of pussy, it was time to get some real food in my stomach.

EPILOGUE

After walking back to base in stunned silence, contemplating our acts of perversion, Sophie and I couldn’t do much but laugh at ourselves. I’d just had sex with six (was it six?) random strangers in front of a woman who’s been best mates with my mum for over 30 years. Sophie had just done the same thing in front of a kid she used to make cookies for. The situation was clearly an awkward one, but I reckon we handled it with grace and poise.

One of the more surprising things about the night in question was the openness (ha!) of just about every attendee. There were a bunch of hot people there, a few older folks, a smattering of less attractive couples and almost everybody in between, and the most striking thing about the whole night was the complete lack of snobbery based on looks. Everybody was happy to play with everybody else. I’d say I’m nowhere near the best looking person I know. Sophie is a damn fine piece of work, but she’s not young anymore. But there we were, getting down with people who in any other situation we’d be too nervous to even approach.

I don’t know if the world is more or less conservative than it used to be. Porn might be a rampant force both economically and culturally, but ask the average person and they’d probably say that the ‘60s and ‘70s were the heyday of sexual openness, and since then we’ve withdrawn into a more individual view of sexuality. We might watch more gang bangs online, but we’re pretty prudish when it comes to sharing our own personal perversions and fantasies with others.

Not at The Couples Club.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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